When Parents Disagree on Raising the Children; How Do We Build a Parental Partnership?

Each parent enters parenthood with a whole world of experiences, values and beliefs built throughout their life.

Someone who grew up in a strict home may want to give their children more freedom, while someone who experienced a lack of boundaries in childhood may see a clear framework as a source of security. Differences in temperament, communication style and the ability to tolerate frustration also influence parental responses.

Sometimes the overt argument concerns bedtime or homework, but beneath it lies a deeper discussion about responsibility, independence, authority or protection.

Understanding where the different positions come from makes it possible to move from asking who is right to asking what matters to each parent.

When disagreements take place in front of the children, they may feel confused about expectations and boundaries. For example: when one parent forbids a particular action and the other overturns that decision, the child may struggle to understand which rule applies.

In ongoing situations, children may turn to the parent who is likely to agree to their request, not necessarily out of deliberate manipulation but because they learn how the family system works. The difficulty is particularly significant when a child feels they must choose a side, protect one parent or take responsibility for the tension between them.

At the same time, exposure to disagreements is not necessarily harmful in itself. Children can learn from their parents that even people who are close do not always agree, and that disagreements can be handled respectfully.

Sometimes parents believe they must respond identically in every situation to maintain their authority. However, a parental partnership does not require two people with the same personality, style or emotional response.

One parent can be more spontaneous and flexible, and the other more organized and structured. These differences may enrich family life, as long as there is agreement on central principles.

It is important to distinguish between basic values and rules, which require coordination, and personal differences that can be allowed to coexist.

The aim is to create a shared framework within which each parent can bring their unique personality.

When a significant disagreement arises, it is advisable to avoid publicly overturning the other parent’s decision. Instead of telling the child “Your mother is exaggerating” or “Your father doesn’t understand,” it is possible to explain that the parents need to talk and will come back with a decision. Discussions about complex parenting issues are best held at a calm time, without the children present, when both parents are available to listen.

During the conversation, it is important to consider the child’s needs, the purpose of the boundary and the possible consequences of each course of action. At the same time, partnership does not require automatically backing harmful or dangerous behavior. When a parental response humiliates, threatens or harms the child, the child must be protected and the situation addressed.

Sometimes arguments about the children reflect broader tensions in the relationship.

Feelings of being unappreciated, an unequal burden, loneliness in parental responsibility or difficulty communicating may be expressed through recurring disagreements about raising children.

A parent who feels they alone carry the responsibility for setting boundaries may experience the other parent as too permissive. Conversely, the other parent may feel required to be strict in a way that conflicts with their values. When the discussion shifts from the child’s behavior to criticism of the parent’s personality, it becomes difficult to reach a practical solution.

In these situations, it is important to examine not only the parenting decision but also the division of responsibility and the quality of communication between the parents.

When a child has ADHD, autism or additional developmental needs, parental disagreements may become more pronounced. One parent may view a particular behavior as a difficulty arising from the child’s characteristics, while the other interprets it as a lack of effort or deliberate opposition.

Sometimes disagreements arise over how much independence to expect, the necessary accommodations or how to respond to outbursts and difficulties with organization.

In these situations, it is important to base decisions on an understanding of the child’s developmental profile and needs, rather than solely on personal views about raising children.

Tailored accommodations do not necessarily mean giving up boundaries, and expecting independence does not always promote development when it does not match the child’s abilities.

A parental partnership is built through communication, coordination and the division of responsibility, not only through agreement in principle. It is worth starting by identifying shared values: what is important to us for the children to learn about responsibility, respect, independence and interpersonal relationships? Then it is possible to define a few central rules, decide how to respond to recurring situations and establish when joint consultation is needed.

It is also important to allow each parent to express reservations and reconsider decisions that are not suitable, without turning every change into proof that one side was wrong.

When the children have already been exposed to a disagreement, it is possible to explain that the parents thought it through together and reached a decision. In this way, they also see a process of repair and cooperation.

In family counseling, we examine the patterns of communication between the parents and their effect on the atmosphere at home and on relationships with the children.

The process helps identify the needs and beliefs behind the different positions, reduce power struggles and develop ways of making joint decisions. When one of the children has developmental or emotional difficulties, an understanding of their unique needs can be incorporated to build a tailored family response.

The aim is not to determine which parent is right but to help both act as partners even when they do not agree on everything.

Children do not need parents who think and behave identically. They need adults who can listen to one another, tolerate disagreements and create a stable, safe framework for them.

A parental partnership is measured not by the absence of disagreements but by the ability to handle them with mutual respect, shared responsibility and the child’s best interests in mind.