"He Can When He Wants To": One of the Biggest Myths About Children with ADHD

Many computer games provide changing stimuli, clear goals, immediate feedback and frequent rewards. Homework, by contrast, sometimes requires sustained effort, independent organization and the ability to persist even when the outcome is not immediate.

For children with ADHD, differences in the characteristics of tasks can significantly influence their ability to engage in them. The fact that a child can concentrate on an activity that interests them does not rule out an attention disorder, just as difficulty concentrating on a particular task does not prove its presence.

Many children with ADHD can explain very well what is expected of them. They understand that they need to do their homework, tidy their room or get ready for school on time, but struggle to turn that knowledge into action. This gap may be related to difficulties in executive functions, which are responsible, among other things, for planning, initiating tasks, organization, self-monitoring and time management. For example, a child may know they need to prepare a school assignment but struggle to decide where to begin, how to divide the task into stages and how much time to devote to each part.

From the outside, this may look like avoidance. In practice, the child may need guidance and structure that will enable them to get started.

One of the frustrating characteristics for children with ADHD and those around them is inconsistency in performance. A child may complete a task quickly on one day and struggle to do it on another, even though the requirements have not changed. Sleep, tiredness, emotional overload, distractions, the level of support in the environment and other factors may affect functioning. Sometimes success on a particular day creates an expectation among adults that the child will succeed equally well every time. However, a one-off success does not necessarily indicate a stable, independent capacity to perform.

When a parent interprets a difficulty as unwillingness, the natural response may be to increase demands: remind the child again, apply pressure, punish or promise a reward. Sometimes these interventions achieve a temporary result, but they do not necessarily teach the child the skills they lack. A cycle of frustration may then develop: the parent feels the child is not cooperating, and the child experiences criticism for a difficulty they cannot explain.

It is important to distinguish between setting expectations and boundaries, which are an essential part of parenting, and demanding performance without adjusting to the child’s capacity for regulation and organization.

Children develop their self-perception partly through the way significant adults interpret their behavior. When a child repeatedly hears that they are lazy, irresponsible or not using their potential, they may internalize these messages as part of their identity. The gap between knowing they are capable of understanding and succeeding and the difficulty of demonstrating consistent performance may evoke shame, frustration and a sense of inadequacy. For some children, this is expressed in avoiding tasks, fear of failure or giving up early when faced with a challenge.

Absolutely not.

Understanding ADHD does not require giving up boundaries, demands or personal responsibility. The aim is to adapt the way we teach a child to meet expectations, taking their age, abilities and difficulties into account.

Instead of saying “Go tidy your room,” we can begin with a focused instruction: “First, let’s collect the clothes from the floor.” Instead of requiring a child to remember all their tasks on their own, we can use a visual list, reminders and a regular routine.

As the skill develops, we can gradually reduce the level of guidance and encourage independence.

Effective intervention is based not only on increasing motivation, but also on adapting the environment in which tasks are carried out.

We can divide long tasks into short stages, define a clear starting point, reduce distractions and include planned breaks. Focused positive feedback that refers to the effort or strategy the child used may help more than general praise for success. For example, instead of saying “You see? When you want to, you succeed,” we can say: “I noticed that when we divided the work into three parts, you were able to make progress. Let’s see whether that helps next time too.” This way, the child learns to identify what helps them function, rather than only whether they succeeded or failed.

When difficulties with attention, organization, persistence or behavioral regulation occur over time and affect functioning at home, at school or in relationships, it is worth considering a professional evaluation.

It is important to also examine other factors that may explain or worsen the difficulties, such as anxiety, learning disabilities, sleep difficulties or emotional distress.

ADHD diagnosis is based on a comprehensive clinical assessment. Computerized assessments, such as MOXO, may provide additional information, but do not constitute a diagnosis on their own.

Accurate identification of the difficulties makes it possible to tailor therapeutic and educational support to the child’s needs.

Children with ADHD need appropriate expectations, clear boundaries and opportunities to develop independence, just like other children. The difference is that sometimes the path to achieving the same goals requires more guidance, adjustments and patience.

When we stop interpreting every difficulty as unwillingness and begin examining the conditions needed for success, we enable the child to develop skills without harming their sense of self-worth.

If your child struggles with attention, organization, persistence or behavioral regulation and you are unsure whether ADHD is involved, you can contact me to arrange an initial assessment meeting.

As part of the evaluation, we will examine the characteristics of the difficulties, their impact on functioning and the need for further professional diagnosis, including a MOXO assessment when appropriate.

You are welcome to contact me to understand the source of the difficulties and explore the support that is right for your child.